Well, I have to apologize for not writing this sooner. I know blog writing guides say, never apologize! for not writing often enough. I guess it’s because people are annoyed with those who apologize all. the. time. I know I am!
I made a whole list of things I wanted to share with you, of things that came to me while I listened to a sermon at church. Reasons why I paid over two thousand dollars for a style/color course when we are in a season of having negative cash flow.
And then I looked at the calendar and realized that there were less than 3 weeks until school resumed! So I went on a spur-of-the-moment trip to see my family in Colorado, because there was no other time to do it.
And…I accidentally left my sermon notes page behind. On the computer desk, where I couldn’t forget it. Right where my husband would pick it up and toss it out, when he decided to de-clutter the desk. *sigh*
Of course I didn’t know he had, until a few days after I got back. And I’ve tried, since then, to write what I intended to…but there’s no reclaiming past inspiration, sometimes.
So here I am, making another attempt….
I believe God led me to this, what some people may think is a delusion. A silly pastime, and a waste of money. I’ll be honest, I’m scared. I admit this style stuff is a risky proposition. Even worse, I feel like I’m getting left behind — all the ladies I know online who are doing similar things are getting established, and have steady clientele, while I have a few months of training left. And I want to say, wait! What about me? Who’s going to be left for me to ‘analyze’?
Maybe nobody. Nobody in the Facebook groups I’m in anyway. And I’m scared to death of it. And I’m jealous of these kind ladies who are doing what they love to do. But I don’t hate them, or even dislike them. It’s tough, but I keep telling myself that God has a plan for me, and it’s awesome.
That doesn’t stop me from feeling petrified, like it’s an opportunity that I can see, WATCH, slipping through my fingers. But I’m still trying. Because I feel like this is what He wants me to do. And God’s plans are rarely the same as what the world plans, because God knows things we don’t.
You see — please, see — I’m not doing this for money, or fame. Or admiration. Acceptance. I’m doing this because I want other people to love who they are as much as God does.
It’s not an easy thing, in fact it’s something we never stop doing. Because there’s so much about ourselves to hate! And sometimes we even love ourselves too much, in a way that’s unhealthy. No matter what we do, no matter how much we do, it’s never good enough, and it’s just plain never enough.
Even more so if you have small children! I love my children, and I was raised to believe they are all blessings, but hoo boy, there is a point that no matter where you are, even if you’re religious & no matter how many times you say (and hear!) that you need to find your peace/energy/strength in God, you just have to admit that children are DRAINING. And there are times when there is nothing more to give.
I’ve been there. I AM there. I have four children, from 8 years to 8 months. But God didn’t put a desire to feel beautiful in us, just to watch us flounder. To add another thing to our plate. To make us feel even more discouraged…and sometimes, depressed.
He wants who we are, our desires, our yearnings, to be fulfilled. He MADE us this way. He wants to realize that we are beautiful, inside and out.
And so do I. I believe He is calling me to this as a ministry, to help those who probably don’t think they can be helped. Whether they are 15 or 65, I want the lovely ladies I know to feel lovely, because it changes everything. I want them to be able to feel just a little bit more whole, so they can give themselves more wholly.
And wouldn’t it be a beautiful thing, to be unafraid of cameras?